I've discovered that I can love. But I've made a terrible mistake with it. I let it go. The one person in my life who I was truly happy with. Who I thought would always be there no matter what I did. Well, that's over now. I highly doubt the chances of us ever having anything again. Somehow I'm not really surprised. I recall saying many times that I always manage to fuck something up.... so once again, I succeed in doing what I do best.... I fucked up again, and it was the biggest mistake of my life, and saying sorry wont be enough this time.... I'm such an idiot.... a fucking fool...

Love. Hmm, love. I look on things and see only the bad. I can't love anything as long as that happens. It won't go away. But why is it that I have to see the bad in things. I think it would be nice to love.... something, anything. Then again, maybe it wouldn't. Most love I have seen has ended in tragedy. So how come so many people do it everyday... I would think it would take a lot of thought for something so serious. But then again, when do people think about things?

I move so fast. I don't know why. And it is with everything. All I do I continue to do it faster and faster and faster. Even with this bit of text. I'm not sure why me, probably everyone, feels the need to move faster. What created this lack of time everyone seems to have. I think about it and I don't really do all that much, but I have to do it fast, so I have time. But if I slowed down, I could enjoy it all much more. I love my job, but don't yet fully realize that fact. I can tell my self to slow, but will it work? Does anything work when it's ingrained into your system?

Some of us feel confident about ourselves. Looks and abilities and what not. But why is it that some people have no confidence? There is some kind of psychological response going on, has to be. But I've seen some people with perfectly happy lives, past and present, but still without confidence or self-esteem. It certainly is something to think about, because I'm not sure why I think of myself like shit. Who knows...

Why are people assholes? I haven't been able to figure it out. I think back on my life, and cannot see at any point the change in me in which I turned into a jerk. Possibly it is just a slow change. Like slowly turning the heat on a frying pan with a live frog in it. One day I realized what an ass I am and thought "Why?". Which makes me wonder about other people too. What makes them shitheads? Maybe its natural. Something in our DNA. "Nurture" may not make a difference... so then the question arises... why me?

I'm beginning to lose the remnants of sanity I had. I am finding it harder to think clearly. I have so much running through my head at one point it is hard to separate one thing from another into something logical. I wonder if this is what going crazy is really like. Maybe it's just... I'm not sure. Maybe its just something else. I don't know. It could be many things. I just want it to end, and am not sure how. Maybe I should start ignoring myself...